There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
