I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
there is glitter all over my balls
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