We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
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His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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