Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
