I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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