So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
