Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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