Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
