Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
