Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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