Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
