my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
