mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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