I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
