i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
