ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
