the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
