separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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