You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
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i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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