in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
