Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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