textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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