yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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