his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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