i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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