Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
