I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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