someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
