she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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