I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
