and you said cock pushups were impossible
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
