She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
