shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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