i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
