she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
