I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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