Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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