I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
