I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
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Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.