Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
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Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....