Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
