There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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