So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
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This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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