he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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