hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Randomize
