bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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