Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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