I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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