ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
