I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
