I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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