Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
it's great music for shaving your balls
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
