Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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